Sometimes I am awash with an overwhelming sense of sadness. It comes out of nowhere and completely knocks me over. If you were to ask me “what’s wrong?” or “why are you sad?” I wouldn’t be able to answer you. I just don’t know.
Tonight is one of those times.
I was fine all day at school; no problems, no worries. In fact, I had a really good day. I’ve been teaching Othello to my IB1’s and they seem to be enjoying it, which of course, makes me very happy.
So why do I feel so very sad?
If I am honest with myself, I know I am upset that Adam is leaving for Nepal next Thursday. He is taking some students on a service trip and he’ll be gone for ten days. I don’t relish the idea of being without him for so long. Call me a romantic, but I look forward to our evenings together, once our daughter is in bed and we can just enjoy each other’s company. Even after nearly twelve years of marriage, I can still say that he is my best friend. I will miss him while he is gone.
Of course, that is not the only reason why I am sad. If I am really honest with myself, I know I am struggling with being “mindful” all the time. Last night, I lost my temper a bit when I was out running. I saw a couple ahead of me walking leisurely and I was gaining on them. I yelled “excuse me,” but they didn’t move. As I got closer, I repeated myself, but still no movement from said couple. I was practically running them over (no pun intended) when I sarcastically said “excuse me!” and pushed one of them out of the way. I felt terrible. I also felt angry that they provoked me to respond this way. But did they? Did they really? Perhaps they didn’t hear me. Perhaps they were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn’t realise I was coming up behind them like a bat outta hell.
No, I’m pretty sure they were just ignorant.
But this upsets me. It upsets me that I actually pushed someone; even worse, it upsets me that I allowed myself to be taken in by frustration. I am sure a lapse in mindfulness is normal, but as someone who is determined to observe the best in those around me, it feels like a setback. While I am sure I will be back to my effervescent self tomorrow, right now, all I need is a good cry. I need to release all the negative emotions and make room for more positive ones.
Deep breath. One more. Deep breath. One more time. Deep breath.